…..About the boys in our lives.
Ladies, rewind back to your childhood. Whether or not you religiously watched the Disney cartoons, you had some warped idea of growing up to be swept off your feet by Prince Charming and living happily ever after. None of us grew up thinking our future relationships will be doomed to failure. Throughout school we watched our friends move from relationship to relationship, each time the parties swearing their undying love to the other, only to break up two weeks later
because she had a Jonathan Taylor Thomas picture in her locker.* The cycle repeats itself over and over, and it all seems normal. Just part of growing up. Each time we enter our own new relationship, we say “this one will be different”; “I will be different.” But as my mother always says, Love is not just blind. It’s also deaf, dumb, and stupid.**
Considering the current rate of divorce, and that the average woman has had more than one relationship in her life, it’s a pretty safe bet that MOST relationships are doomed to failure from the beginning. It has nothing to do with “growing apart” or “falling out of love” or some other ridiculous concept our society has dreamed up to make divorce a more acceptable practice. The signs of failure are usually there in the beginning. It just takes being aware and willing to open your eyes to see the flashing neon Exit sign when it reveals itself.
Unfortunately, we are apparently slow learners. We have perfected the art of justifying nearly every behavior known to man when it’s discovered in our significant other, especially when we have already decided we are in love.
The #1 lie we tell ourselves is “I can change him.” NO.YOU.CAN’T. You can change your clothes. You can change your behavior. You can change your baby’s diaper. You can even change the paint colors on the walls of your home. But you cannot change him. It won’t happen. The only way he will change is if he wants to. Save yourself the time and realize that his claiming to love you, true or not, will not be enough for him to want to change. Your being completely and utterly devoted to his every whim will not be enough for him to want to change. Chances are, he likes the way he is. He lived without you once upon a time, and he can do it again.
Determine what your relationship deal-breakers are. And for Pete’s sake, stick to them! The worst thing you can do is go into a relationship with a “nice guy”, discover he has certain ideals that do not match up with yours, and continue to stay in that relationship simply because you think eventually you will sway him to your way of thinking. The chances of this working out in your favor are the same as my blog hitting a million subscribers in a year. Ain’t Happening!
Case in point. I cannot stand cigarette smoke. I’d rather smell cow manure. You think I’m kidding. I’m not. I will not, under any circumstances, date a smoker. I don’t care if he’s a church-going, devoted Christian who also happens to be a millionaire which would allow me to stay home to raise my children. If he smokes, end of story! I’d prefer not to sleep with an Ash-Tray every night, thankyouverymuch.
Lie #2 – “All the good men are taken, so I have to settle for what’s available right now.” Guys think the same thing about all the “good girls” being taken. So either the rest of us just suck at relationships or you haven’t met the right person yet.
Lie #3 – “We never ever fight so this must be The One!” Darlin’, if you’ve yet to have a disagreement, you do NOT need to be thinking marriage. Chances are, one of you is lying to avoid arguing, or you’ve only been together for 3.4 seconds. People can fake true personality for quite a while… months, in fact. It takes time to see through their facade. We all have one, and in dating relationships, we are literally trying to sell ourselves to the other person. Don’t shoot the messenger. It’s the truth. Why on earth would we reveal all those flaws of who we really are right up front?
Cuz we are all a bunch of dishonest misfits, that’s why! Beware of the 6 month marriage proposal. He hasn’t had time to piss you off yet. Take my word for it.
Lie #4 – “It’s my job to take care of him.” O M G…. this one ticks me off more than any other, but before you blast me for being a feminist, keep reading. Whatever happened to men being MEN? I look around, and more often than not, see a generation of boys in grown bodies who are incapable of acting like a grown-up.
Signs you are dating a BOY and not a man…
- you plan everything.
- you always drive to where he is, and rarely vice versa.
- he complains about everything from his family to his job…all the time. (everyone is entitled to a bad day, but not a lifestyle of whining).
- he’s perpetually late.
- he can’t “man up” when he’s done something wrong.
- he expects you to be his mama and his maid.
Now, he’s not going to admit to ANY of that stuff, especially the last one. Not in those words anyway. But a grown man is quite capable of fixing his own plate of food, and cleaning up after himself. A guy who will take zero responsibility upon himself early in a relationship will NOT accept ANY responsibility later on. As women, we have a need to be protected, and cared for. We aren’t helpless, but we need someone strong for days when life just sucks. If you feel it is your job to coddle him, guess what?! You just signed on to raise a grown child. Good luck with that…..
“But remember what drives a man; real men do what they have to do to make sure their people are taken care of, clothed, housed, and reasonably satisfied, and if they’re doing anything less than that, they’re not men.”
― Steve Harvey, Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man: What Men Really Think About Love, Relationships, Intimacy, and Commitment
**I have been the poster child for “blind, deaf, dumb, and stupid”, therefore, I speak from experience.