The absolute stupidity of some people never ceases to amaze me. I have shared bits and pieces of certain contact attempts from the dating site, but today is your lucky day. I received the email of all idiotic emails yesterday.
First you need to understand, this man had zero chance from the start. Seriously, he shot himself in the foot right off the bat just because of his apparent inability to pay attention to detail. BIG mistake when dealing with women.
In my profile, I really DID post an abbreviated version of the Twenty Things You Should Know blog post. My tagline is also the same as here. 95% of the world are idiots, and the other 5% have possibilities. Most of the guys get a kick out of it. Some get offended, and that’s just fine. I don’t expect everyone to agree with me on everything….
just most things. Maybe in this case, the guy simply overlooked the details…. Ok, that’s just wishful thinking. Allow me to explain….. (and to protect the moron’s identity guilty, I have kindly chosen to change his name to Eugene).
Mistake #1 – Eugene marked me as a favorite on the site about 30 seconds after I created the profile. Why on earth would you categorize someone as such without having had ANY form of communication with said “fave” person??? Does he also christen random strangers from the produce aisle at Wal-Mart as his new best friend? creepy much??
Mistake #2 – Eugene cyber-winked at me a month later. Oh where to begin….
- cyber-winking is a total cop-out as a form of communication
- it very clearly states in my profile NOT to wink at me if you wish to get a decent response. in fact, it has EMAIL written in capital font, repeated 3 times, followed by a questionable amount of exclamation points.
- if I’m his “fave” why did it take him a month to contact me again? and when he did, he clicked a green button labeled WINK. impressive? I.Think.Not.
Mistakes #3 – #16 – Three weeks later, I receive The Email from Eugene.
“I say that i am Well within the 5%.” Gee, Eugene, thanks for capitalizing the word “well” for emphasis. Before I read any further, I now know you belong exactly in the category you are trying so hard to avoid. Perhaps if you had been privy to this blog before now, you would be aware that trying to force yourself into the group of 5% only solidifies your position as king of the 95%.
“I do have pictures didn’t want just anyone having access, right or wrong I would prefer to be the one to initiate something.” (Upon checking Eugene’s profile, I discover that he, indeed, does not have pictures posted). As a general rule, I don’t have a problem with this. However, it is rather inconvenient to not be able to connect a face to the name. It makes you appear to be hiding something, Eugene. Not a smart decision since I already think you are on the verge of “creeper” status. Also, not to be a stickler, but that sentence structure is a horrendous mess….
“I would/ and do place value upon you’re being opinionated!” I’m sure you did, Eugene, but do you now??
“Time about is fair play also, I sense you would agree.” Not gonna lie. I’m lost. WHAT??!?!?!?! Did you mean time OUT? … cuz you are in desperate need of one.
“Your pictures reveal to me everything that I wish for.” What exactly DO you wish for? Someone to swoon at the eloquence of your writing, no doubt. That’s not happening. Contrary to what you may have been told in the past, dear Eugene, flattery will NOT get you everywhere in life. And now that I’m thinking about it, I have short hair in some pictures, and long hair in others, so uhmm…. does this mean you are indecisive in what you wish for?
“You are really articulate, plus I like the way you think. You are funny.” Thank you for thinking I am both articulate and funny, but I am sure you will take that back when you read this. And unless you have memorized the book pictured above, you cannot possibly know how I think. Again, the flattery is not working. Perhaps you should try a new tactic??
“I’d treasure your height- I love it !!!! Heels yes yes yes too(with or without equally wonderful) !” Eugene, maybe no one has never taught you the difference between a compliment and complete overkill. I’ll give you a hint. THAT was clearly over-sold. Stop it. It appears to the reader that you are hyperventilating as you type. Never a good way to sell yourself.
“I have been using their app lately, and type this now via phone.” Kinda random, don’tcha think? I assume you mean the dating site’s app….. but uhh… why did I need to know that? Other than I may forgive that run-on sentence we discussed earlier….
“Inasmuch as can be determined from data available, I think I would be in heaven to date you.” Heaven??? Eugene, you are in serious need of a reality check. Perhaps now, you have discovered that “heaven” is only a short email away from “hell”.
“I did read and understand everything you directly and subliminally said.” Don’t kid yourself, buddy. You didn’t understand even half of what I said. Case in point…..I directly state in my profile, if you are closer to my father’s age than my own, you should move on. I also directly gave you my father’s age, and the profile clearly states mine as well. I FURTHER stated that if you are incapable of doing the math to figure out which age you are closer to, it’s probably a deal-breaker. IN CASE YOU FORGOT, YOU ARE 47!! This places you twenty years older than me and 5 years younger than my father. I think, Eugene, that you may need reading glasses at your age, because SURELY you are not arrogant enough to have read that statement and assumed you are the one person it didn’t apply to.
“So there are a few issues possibly, and although you listed I think 800? mile range, the distance is likely the main impediment.” A few issues, Eugene? I think you may need to re-evaluate…..
“Mars/ Venus factors( incl men so visually affected) hopefully allowed for by you, I hope you don’t mind me speaking what I feel, I have looked at your pictures So much- I want to hold you and feel you touch and kiss you and walk with you.” First of all, I get that men are visual beings, but holy crap! Shallow much?! Secondly, can we say CREEPER?! It would appear that you have been stalking my profile for 2 months since you added me as a “favorite”, and never had the balls to actually open your mouth and say something to me. Bad form. Seriously Bad Form. And stop talking about wanting to touch me. You are my dad’s age. This makes you like the creepy uncle who hits on your nephew’s girlfriends at family reunions.
“Your appearance is so powerful to me… You are so desireable to me. And I am very picky. You are awesome. Not meaning to be presumptuous, truly, I send you kisses, all over your neck and pretty face. ‘Eugene’ ” Not meaning to be presumptuous?? Really?? That is EXACTLY what you are being. And since you disregarded the rest of my profile, did you also miss the part where I told you to keep it G-rated?? Here’s a hint for you on the kind of girl I am. I made my last boyfriend wait 6 months to kiss me. Eugene, you don’t have a snowball’s chance in hell of getting that close to me.
I read your email to my father, who suggested he could use a new hunting partner…. you know, since you two are so close in age. He said to warn you though…he does tend to shoot like Dick Cheney.
The moral of the story is
Don’t ever email me as you may become the subject of a blog PAY ATTENTION!! Do NOT make assumptions where women are concerned. And for Pete’s sake, Do Not Under Any Circumstances use the line “I did read and understand everything you directly and subliminally said”.