How to NOT Impress a Woman

Tags

, , , , , , , , , ,

 

 

 

First impressions generally don’t lie. There may be some exceptions to this rule, but I’ve found the vast majority of mine hold true. This means, ladies, go with your gut. If you think he’s an idiot, he probably is. And gentlemen, not to make you paranoid, but for pete’s sake, be careful what comes out of your mouth in the first five minutes that I meet you. There are some things you just shouldn’t say:

Now, I should have known when his chat box popped up on the site that I should decline, and to be honest, I was basing it solely on his profile picture. I talked myself out of being shallow, and clicked “yes”. When the chat window appeared, I immediately clicked “view profile.” I should have exited chat when I read his intro.

” I am a take charge ex military guy who works a lot. I like reading. I like developing new ideas and concepts.”

Andi, why would you exit chat JUST based on that? Judgmental much? 

Yeah, that was my reaction to my gut instinct too, so I stayed.

My first impression (without having spoken to him yet): Someone who likes reading usually likes writing as well, or is at least capable of it. He sure didn’t say a whole lot. And if he’s so into taking charge, why wouldn’t he outline who he is or what he’s looking for or.. something..anything. Oh, and “developing new ideas and concepts” screams NERD to me. Nerds are ok. I’m kinda nerdy in my own right. But I have a limit to my toleration.

Him: Hey Andi

Me: Hey

Him: You were so pretty! Why you chop your hair off????

……. Enter a long pause….. Did he just refer to my “prettiness” in the past tense?? As if chopping my hair off now makes me less pretty?? Wait a minute. I changed my profile picture from one of me with slightly longer hair to shorter hair a week or so ago. Is he stalking my profile?? Craaaaap.

Me: So you are saying I’m ugly now.

Him: Well, I like long hair

……..block……..

You blocked him from talking to you?? Harsh much??

Yes, but it was for his own good. I was in the mood to speak my mind. I wouldn’t have been nice. He may have cried. I saved him the pain.

But he DID tell you that you were pretty! He was trying to compliment you! 

He tried. He failed. Miserably. Better luck next time! Besides, I don’t want a man to have an opinion on the length of my hair within five seconds of conversing with me. It screams control freak. No thank you. Does my man’s opinion matter? Yes. Sort of.  Maybe not about how I choose to cut my hair, but on things that actually matter, of course! But that type of respect needs to be earned. I’m not handing it out to the first guy in line simply because he’s available.

 

Road Trip!! Maybe.

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , ,

Ready. Set. GO!

Dallas, Tulsa, Mobile, Birmingham. Jacksonville (FL and NC), St. Louis, Little Rock, Milwaukee, Chicago, Philly, Pittsburgh, Miami, Kansas City, Washington DC, New York City, Buffalo, Detroit, Houston, Charleston, Savannah, and most recently, Omaha. … yeah… Nebraska.

geography lesson? 

Nah, not really,

world’s most poorly planned road trip? 

It’s a list of random places within an 800 mile radius of my hometown.

The dating site gives me the option to narrow down the possibilities by inserting a distance limit. I picked 800.

WHY??? 

I. Have. No. Idea.

It was just a random number, and I didn’t want to limit myself to local people.

  1. It’s the internet! The whole point is to think outside the box, and embrace the possibility of meeting someone with whom you never would have come into contact with otherwise. Sooo.. my box just happens to be REALLY big. I like big boxes at Christmas too. Sue me.
  2. I didn’t want a stalker directly in my backyard. I needed to give myself time to load the gun, and call in reinforcements. 800 miles seemed plenty.
  3. This is Tennessee. East Tennessee to boot. While I may love it here, while there ARE some quality individuals here, there are also a fair amount more who are Out.Of.Their.Minds! And I’m not even referring to Vol fans this time! I’m all for big trucks, and guns, and shooting things, but there is a limit to my patience with redneck tendencies.

Meeting someone who lives 800 miles away, however, is when things get interesting. I’ve had several guys who think the best way to solve this issue is for me to come to wherever they may be.  After all, I am the one who had the idea for the huge box, yes?

No. 

Not happening. 

Why not? It’s not fair of you to expect them to come to you, Andi. 

I don’t expect it. I am not arrogant enough to think that every guy I’ve responded to on the site will travel from South Florida or Omaha, Nebraska…. or wherever… to East TN just to meet me. If they don’t wanna, they don’t wanna. No big deal.

We live in an era of gender equality, Andi. Get with the times! Nothing wrong with you traveling to meet a guy. 

My idea of gender equality, and what it’s become in the politically correct sense of the phrase are not the same thing, but that’s a different post….

I have good reason for being difficult. 

  1. Again, it’s the internet! People lie. On the chance that you are not who you claim to be, at least I’m close to home. Come to think of it, if you lying about who you are, it’s less likely you’ll to waste your own money on a trip here.
  2. Speaking of wasted money, I can’t afford to burn mine at the moment. Trips are out. Unless you wanna pay my bills… 
  3. It’s a safety thing. You are a dude. I am not. Yes, I have traveled alone before, but I don’t particularly like it. Throw in meeting someone “from the internet” in an area I’m unfamiliar with… No, Thank you. I’d rather not. It’s not personal. It’s just common sense.
  4. Do you really want to meet ME specifically, or are you just out for a good time? I’m all for fun. But I’m not about to spend my own time and money to be your weekend entertainment.
  5. It’s less awkward for me to decline an invitation to your hotel room than it is for me to tell you to get the heck outta mine.  I’m not spending the night with you. I know. Shocking! Dude, I just met you. NO!! This is not slut’s-R-us. Not that girl. Go buy a hooker. It’s probably cheaper.
  6. It gets you huge bonus points for being Man enough to just do it. Simple as that. It’s a character thing.
Does it make sense now? Maybe? Sorta? Almost? 
Does anyone even know what is in Nebraska? 
Andi’s Idea of Nebraska : It’s flat. It has corn. yep..that’s all I got. 

Idiots R Us

Tags

, , , , , , ,

I should start a new business. Writing dating profiles for men. Mine is no work of art, but at least it’s funny…ish. sort of. maybe. If nothing else, it gets attention, which is the point of a dating site, no?! So gentlemen… This one is for you.

DO NOT: 

  • Write “hello, hi, or how are you” as the only thing in your tagline. It’s the 1st thing I see after your picture. The point of it is to capture your personality in one sentence. At least attempt something mildly amusing…like the guy who said “I’m about to go H.A.M!” I have zero idea what he’s talking about. HAM radio, perhaps? Maybe it’s a movie line I’ve never heard of. Maybe he just REALLY likes Miss Piggy. At the very least, I know he thinks he’s funny…even if it only translates as confusion.
  • Post pictures of you with an alcoholic beverage in your hand. It says in your profile whether or not you drink and how often. If you felt it was important enough to post a picture with a beer in your hand, I’m inclined to think you drink far more than you are admitting to. It tends to send the message that you are looking for a party girl. By all means, if you are, good luck with that, but if you aren’t, TAKE THOSE PICTURES DOWN! Any self respecting girl will label you as a frat boy, no matter your age, and you’ve already got your first strike.
  • Post pictures of yourself with a female cropped out. Seriously, I can still see half her head on your chest. Bad form, my friend. And if you are going to post pictures with chicks, for pete’s sake, caption them. You look like a jerk if you don’t. She could be your sister, but I don’t know unless you tell me.
  • Talk about being heartbroken. No woman wants to be your rebound. Stop it. Grow up and get over it or get off the site. It’s not endearing or cute. It doesn’t make me feel any sort of sympathy for you.
  • List your interests as “doing stuff outdoors or being inside watching tv”. Can you possibly get more generic? “Stuff” … uhmm, like drowning kittens? Hey, don’t give me that look! If you don’t tell me what it is that you do, I will take your non-specific nature, and turn you into a complete monster. It’s a gift.

  • Include any variation of “Hot” or “Sexy” in your user name. Conceited much?? I promise you are not THAT good looking. Arrogance just made you ugly. Mission. Fail. …. And it makes no difference if you are referring to the potential relationship you are after… ie : Seekingsexylady. No. No. NO! It’s un-classy. It’s repulsive. Do. Not. Do. It.
…….and my number one pet peeve….
  • Use terrible, awful, no-good, very bad grammar. I am not the language police, but there is a massive difference between a couple of typos and certifiable idiocy.

And since it seems to make a better impression when I use actual examples….. here you go….

Meet : Abu*

Tagline : i am very hot i like to date with my mate and get good time

hmmm, what is this “good time” you speak of, Abu? I’m thinking you are gettin’ a lil pervy up in here. Bad, Bad Abu!! “Hot” is a far stretch of the imagination. Far like.. from here to the former planet of Pluto…which is oddly the same color as your hair. 

Profile : my closest friend used to describe me as cool fellow good manners makes me smile

i am gratefull for meeting a girl the matches my taste and my dignity

i wish to attract a girl that knows my destiny.

Dear Abu, this may be presumptuous of me, but you referred to your “closest friend” in the past tense, so uhmm.. was he a suicide bomber or something? I need to know these things before we pursue a relationship. It’s kind of important considering parts of your profile make zero sense, but I’ll address that, momentarily. 

You spelled grateful wrong. It only has one “L”. Then again, considering the broken English and lack of punctuation, I probably shouldn’t pick on your spelling.

“A girl that matches your dignity?” That’s a new one. Does she get her own dignity or is she merely a possession considering your Muslim faith? 

Your destiny? She needs to be psychic? Or just aware that you fully expect 72 virgins to greet you in the afterlife? 

ABOUT… HIM HIS DATE
APPEARANCE:
Height:
5’5″ (165cms)
5’11” (180cms) to 8’11” (272cms)
Body type:
About average
About average
Eyes:
I’ll tell you later
No preference
Hair:
Blonde
No preference
LIFESTYLE:
Smoke:
No Way
No preference
Drink:
Never
No preference
Occupation:
Student
No preference
Income:
$35,001 to $50,000
No preference
Relationship:
Never Married
No preference
Have kids:
No
No Answer
Want kids:
Definitely
No preference
BACKGROUND/VALUES:
Ethnicity:
I’ll tell you later
Other
Faith:
Muslim / Islam
No preference
Languages:
Arabic, English, Russian, Other
No preference
Education:
I’ll tell you later
No preference

Ok, so let me get this straight. You are 5’5, but you require a woman who is No less than 6 inches taller than you? You do realize, Abu, that the likelyhood of fulfilling that wish is slim to none, right? Don’t worry though, Allah may grant you that in at least a couple of your 72 virgins. 

You can’t tell me your eye color, but you honestly expect me to believe your hair is blonde???? Seriously? Have you looked at yourself in the mirror lately?  Are you color blind, Abu?? 

You are a 32-year-old Student, but your income is 35K – 50K. Family money? Terrorist organization money? Hey! I’m just asking, Abu! It all seems a little fishy to me. 

*Name has been changed to protect the newest inductee into Idiots-R-Us. 

Have you been hit on by any idiots lately? 

Anything else I should add to my list of “Profile Do Not’s”?

I’m off to buy a pig… you know.. just in case. 

Awkward much?!

So my blogging efforts are slacking. Sue me. I’ve been busy.

“uhhhh, doing what?” 

I’m so happy you asked! I started a second job.

“what kinda job?”

I’m a chauffeur. Minus the hat. And the limo. And NO, smarty pants, it is not a taxi. I’d tell you specifics, but then you’d stalk me, and I’d have to prove my wicked-awesome mace aiming skills. Totally fun for me. Not so much for you.

“how did you land said job?” 

My mom saw the number on the back of the van. True story. I googled it, discovered it is a nationwide company and I applied, and they called me three hours later. Either my resume was super cool, or they are super desperate. I went to the interview, and was told, so long as I passed some preliminary testing, the job was mine. Part of the interview went something like this:

Scene: Boss Lady’s house. Specifically her kitchen. (Odd location for an interview with a huge company, yes?) Upon walking through the door to the house I immediately notice the ceiling is no more than 5 inches above my head. I’m tall, but holy crap! I nearly ran headfirst into her ceiling fan.

….fast forward through most of the questioning…. 

Boss Lady : You’ll need to pass a drug test.

Me : Ok, no problem

Boss Lady : No, like right now.

Me : Still no problem 🙂

Boss Lady : walks over to filing cabinet and removes a package. Hands package to me. Follow me. You’ll need to pee in this cup

Me : Ooook ….

follows boss lady through the house, dodging ceiling fans as I walk. She stops and knocks on a door, and then leads me into a bedroom with a bathroom on the far side of the room.

Boss Lady : Ok, here you go. There’s baby-wipes if you need to wash up. Don’t flush and don’t wash your hands in the sink….Not because of the drug test. Our plumbing isn’t working.

Me : (insert nervous laugh) Ok……

I turned on the light in the bathroom, took the lid off the cup…and then looked at the toilet…..Someone had used it already that day. At least once.

Me : thinks to self…don’t laugh. don’t laugh. don’t laugh.  Why does this weird crap happen to me?!

 

….upon reviewing the blog, I realize I say “Ok” a LOT!

Do you have any crazy interview stories? 

Lies We Tell Ourselves

Tags

, , , , , , , ,

…..About the boys in our lives. 

Ladies, rewind back to your childhood. Whether or not you religiously watched the Disney cartoons, you had some warped idea of growing up to be swept off your feet by Prince Charming and living happily ever after. None of us grew up thinking our future relationships will be doomed to failure. Throughout school we watched our friends move from relationship to relationship, each time the parties swearing their undying love to the other, only to break up two weeks later because she had a Jonathan Taylor Thomas picture in her locker.*  The cycle repeats itself over and over, and it all seems normal. Just part of growing up. Each time we enter our own new relationship, we say “this one will be different”; “I will be different.” But as my mother always says, Love is not just blind. It’s also deaf, dumb, and stupid.**

Considering the current rate of divorce, and that the average woman has had more than one relationship in her life, it’s a pretty safe bet that MOST relationships are doomed to failure from the beginning. It has nothing to do with “growing apart” or “falling out of love” or some other ridiculous concept our society has dreamed up to make divorce a more acceptable practice. The signs of failure are usually there in the beginning. It just takes being aware and willing to open your eyes to see the flashing neon Exit sign when it reveals itself.

Unfortunately, we are apparently slow learners. We have perfected the art of justifying nearly every behavior known to man when it’s discovered in our significant other, especially when we have already decided we are in love.

The #1 lie we tell ourselves is “I can change him.NO.YOU.CAN’T. You can change your clothes. You can change your behavior. You can change your baby’s diaper. You can even change the paint colors on the walls of your home. But you cannot change him. It won’t happen. The only way he will change is if he wants to. Save yourself the time and realize that his claiming to love you, true or not, will not be enough for him to want to change. Your being completely and utterly devoted to his every whim will not be enough for him to want to change. Chances are, he likes the way he is. He lived without you once upon a time, and he can do it again.

Determine what your relationship deal-breakers are. And for Pete’s sake, stick to them! The worst thing you can do is go into a relationship with a “nice guy”, discover he has certain ideals that do not match up with yours, and continue to stay in that relationship simply because you think eventually you will sway him to your way of thinking. The chances of this working out in your favor are the same as my blog hitting a million subscribers in a year. Ain’t Happening!

Case in point. I cannot stand cigarette smoke. I’d rather smell cow manure. You think I’m kidding. I’m not. I will not, under any circumstances, date a smoker. I don’t care if he’s a church-going, devoted Christian who also happens to be a millionaire which would allow me to stay home to raise my children. If he smokes, end of story! I’d prefer not to sleep with an Ash-Tray every night, thankyouverymuch.

Lie #2 – “All the good men are taken, so I have to settle for what’s available right now.” Guys think the same thing about all the “good girls” being taken. So either the rest of us just suck at relationships or you haven’t met the right person yet.

Lie #3 – “We never ever fight so this must be The One!” Darlin’, if you’ve yet to have a disagreement, you do NOT need to be thinking marriage. Chances are, one of you is lying to avoid arguing, or you’ve only been together for 3.4 seconds. People can fake true personality for quite a while… months, in fact. It takes time to see through their facade. We all have one, and in dating relationships, we are literally trying to sell ourselves to the other person. Don’t shoot the messenger. It’s the truth. Why on earth would we reveal all those flaws of who we really are right up front? Cuz we are all a bunch of dishonest misfits, that’s why! Beware of the 6 month marriage proposal. He hasn’t had time to piss you off yet. Take my word for it.

Lie #4 – “It’s my job to take care of him.” O M G…. this one ticks me off more than any other, but before you blast me for being a feminist, keep reading. Whatever happened to men being MEN? I look around, and more often than not, see a generation of boys in grown bodies who are incapable of acting like a grown-up.

Signs you are dating a BOY and not a man…

  • you plan everything.
  • you always drive to where he is, and rarely vice versa.
  • he complains about everything from his family to his job…all the time. (everyone is entitled to a bad day, but not a lifestyle of whining).
  • he’s perpetually late.
  • he can’t “man up” when he’s done something wrong.
  • he expects you to be his mama and his maid.

Now, he’s not going to admit to ANY of that stuff, especially the last one. Not in those words anyway. But a grown man is quite capable of fixing his own plate of food, and cleaning up after himself.  A guy who will take zero responsibility upon himself early in a relationship will NOT accept ANY responsibility later on. As women, we have a need to be protected, and cared for. We aren’t helpless, but we need someone strong for days when life just sucks. If you feel it is your job to coddle him, guess what?! You just signed on to raise a grown child. Good luck with that…..

“But remember what drives a man; real men do what they have to do to make sure their people are taken care of, clothed, housed, and reasonably satisfied, and if they’re doing anything less than that, they’re not men.”
― Steve HarveyAct Like a Lady, Think Like a Man: What Men Really Think About Love, Relationships, Intimacy, and Commitment

*May be a true story.

**I have been the poster child for “blind, deaf, dumb, and stupid”, therefore, I speak from experience.


Grade: F

Tags

, , , , , , , ,

The absolute stupidity of some people never ceases to amaze me. I have shared bits and pieces of certain contact attempts from the dating site, but today is your lucky day. I received the email of all idiotic emails yesterday.

First you need to understand, this man had zero chance from the start. Seriously, he shot himself in the foot right off the bat just because of his apparent inability to pay attention to detail. BIG mistake when dealing with women.

See??? Details….

In my profile, I really DID post an abbreviated version of the Twenty Things You Should Know blog post. My tagline is also the same as here. 95% of the world are idiots, and the other 5% have possibilities. Most of the guys get a kick out of it. Some get offended, and that’s just fine. I don’t expect everyone to agree with me on everything…. just most things.  Maybe in this case, the guy simply overlooked the details…. Ok, that’s just wishful thinking. Allow me to explain….. (and to protect the moron’s identity guilty, I have kindly chosen to change his name to Eugene).

Mistake #1 – Eugene marked me as a favorite on the site about 30 seconds after I created the profile. Why on earth would you categorize someone as such without having had ANY form of communication with said “fave” person??? Does he also christen random strangers from the produce aisle at Wal-Mart as his new best friend? creepy much??

Mistake #2 – Eugene cyber-winked at me a month later. Oh where to begin….

  • cyber-winking is a total cop-out as a form of communication
  • it very clearly states in my profile NOT to wink at me if you wish to get a decent response. in fact, it has EMAIL written in capital font, repeated 3 times, followed by a questionable amount of exclamation points.
  • if I’m his “fave” why did it take him a month to contact me again? and when he did, he clicked a green button labeled WINK. impressive? I.Think.Not.
Mistakes #3 – #16 – Three weeks later, I receive The Email from Eugene

I say that i am Well within the 5%.” Gee, Eugene, thanks for capitalizing the word “well” for emphasis. Before I read any further, I now know you belong exactly in the category you are trying so hard to avoid. Perhaps if you had been privy to this blog before now, you would be aware that trying to force yourself into the group of 5% only solidifies your position as king of the 95%.

I do have pictures didn’t want just anyone having access, right or wrong I would prefer to be the one to initiate something.” (Upon checking Eugene’s profile, I discover that he, indeed, does not have pictures posted). As a general rule, I don’t have a problem with this. However, it is rather inconvenient to not be able to connect a face to the name. It makes you appear to be hiding something, Eugene. Not a smart decision since I already think you are on the verge of “creeper” status. Also, not to be a stickler, but that sentence structure is a horrendous mess….

I would/ and do place value upon you’re being opinionated!”  I’m sure you did, Eugene, but do you now?? 

Time about is fair play also, I sense you would agree.” Not gonna lie. I’m lost. WHAT??!?!?!?! Did you mean time OUT? … cuz you are in desperate need of one. 

Your pictures reveal to me everything that I wish for.” What exactly DO you wish for? Someone to swoon at the eloquence of your writing, no doubt. That’s not happening. Contrary to what you may have been told in the past, dear Eugene, flattery will NOT get you everywhere in life. And now that I’m thinking about it, I have short hair in some pictures, and long hair in others, so uhmm…. does this mean you are indecisive in what you wish for? 

You are really articulate, plus I like the way you think. You are funny.” Thank you for thinking I am both articulate and funny, but I am sure you will take that back when you read this. And unless you have memorized the book pictured above, you cannot possibly know how I think. Again, the flattery is not working. Perhaps you should try a new tactic??

I’d treasure your height- I love it !!!! Heels yes yes yes too(with or without equally wonderful) !”  Eugene, maybe no one has never taught you the difference between a compliment and complete overkill. I’ll give you a hint. THAT was clearly over-sold. Stop it. It appears to the reader that you are hyperventilating as you type. Never a good way to sell yourself.

I have been using their app lately, and type this now via phone.” Kinda random, don’tcha think? I assume you mean the dating site’s app….. but uhh… why did I need to know that? Other than I may forgive that run-on sentence we discussed earlier…. 

Inasmuch as can be determined from data available, I think I would be in heaven to date you.” Heaven??? Eugene, you are in serious need of a reality check. Perhaps now, you have discovered that “heaven” is only a short email away from “hell”.

I did read and understand everything you directly and subliminally said.” Don’t kid yourself, buddy. You didn’t understand even half of what I said. Case in point…..I directly state in my profile, if you are closer to my father’s age than my own, you should move on. I also directly gave you my father’s age, and the profile clearly states mine as well. I FURTHER stated that if you are incapable of doing the math to figure out which age you are closer to, it’s probably a deal-breaker. IN CASE YOU FORGOT, YOU ARE 47!! This places you twenty years older than me and 5 years younger than my father. I think, Eugene, that you may need reading glasses at your age, because SURELY you are not arrogant enough to have read that statement and assumed you are the one person it didn’t apply to.

So there are a few issues possibly, and although you listed I think 800? mile range, the distance is likely the main impediment.” A few issues, Eugene? I think you may need to re-evaluate….. 

Mars/ Venus factors( incl men so visually affected) hopefully allowed for by you, I hope you don’t mind me speaking what I feel, I have looked at your pictures So much- I want to hold you and feel you touch and kiss you and walk with you.” First of all, I get that men are visual beings, but holy crap! Shallow much?! Secondly, can we say CREEPER?! It would appear that you have been stalking my profile for 2 months since you added me as a “favorite”, and never had the balls to actually open your mouth and say something to me. Bad form. Seriously Bad Form. And stop talking about wanting to touch me. You are my dad’s age. This makes you like the creepy uncle who hits on your nephew’s girlfriends at family reunions. 

Your appearance is so powerful to me… You are so desireable to me. And I am very picky. You are awesome. Not meaning to be presumptuous, truly, I send you kisses, all over your neck and pretty face. ‘Eugene’Not meaning to be presumptuous?? Really??  That is EXACTLY what you are being. And since you disregarded the rest of my profile, did you also miss the part where I told you to keep it G-rated?? Here’s a hint for you on the kind of girl I am. I made my last boyfriend wait 6 months to kiss me. Eugene, you don’t have a snowball’s chance in hell of getting that close to me. 

I read your email to my father, who suggested he could use a new hunting partner…. you know, since you two are so close in age. He said to warn you though…he does tend to shoot like Dick Cheney. 

The moral of the story is Don’t ever email me as you may become the subject of a blog PAY ATTENTION!! Do NOT make assumptions where women are concerned. And for Pete’s sake, Do Not Under Any Circumstances use the line “I did read and understand everything you directly and subliminally said”. 

 

Oodles of Doodles

Tags

, , ,

Metallic Gel Pens. I was obsessed with them in middle/high school. Ask anyone who knew me then, and they will probably testify to having seen me with some ridiculous drawing on my hand. Not because I am an artist, mind you…. even my stick-people appear overly anorexic…..but I got bored in Mr. W.’s history classes. It’s not entirely his fault that I tuned him out during Government & Economics. It’s just that it was a small school, and I had the man for every history and science class I ever had from 7th to 12th grade. And occasionally PE. And a couple of those years he was also the volleyball coach….did I mention it was a small place?… It boils down to the fact that I saw the guy more than I saw my own parents! Every teenager tunes out their parents from time to time. I know! Shocking, right?! Therefore, by default, of course I was going to tune out Mr. W. in his attempt to teach me the political policies of Uzbekistan…see, you didn’t pay attention in history class either! I bet you were doodling all over your notebook, or drawing mustaches on the pictures of Madeleine Albright in your textbook. She probably looks better that way.

Given my distracted nature during class and the fact that I have limited artistic abilities, I was constantly drawing flowers and vines all over my hands….well..one hand. The left one. Being right-handed, I can’t even write my name legibly with the left. That being said, I never ever considered permanently inking myself in tattoo form. No flowers. No vines. No butterfly. No dolphin. No skull and crossbones. No. NO. NO! 

“But they are cool, Andi! It’s all about self-expression, and artistic beauty, and …..”

Stop it. It’s about solidifying stupidity into your skin (with a few exceptions**). Think about it. In a few years “Grandma” will be covered in tramp stamps with a belly ring. Weird much? The good-ol-days of her pinching your cheeks are over. Now she’ll take you to get your tongue pierced, and pick out colors for your “Justin Bieber Forever” tat.

Dumbest tattoo ever? Barbed wire. Who came up with this idea? I can only imagine…. Did he fall off his horse, injure himself on a fence and decide it was a turning point in his life, worthy of being memorialized on his body in the shade of army green?  Or perhaps he was jealous of his girlfriend’s gold arm cuff, and felt the need to create his own…in a more masculine version of course….Because a dude in an arm cuff is not very manly.

                                                               

………………………………Mission: Fail!

Tattoos as self-expression are logically a terrible idea. Someday, you are going to be old, and when that day comes, you may or may not have the same interests/beliefs you currently hold near and dear. For instance, I loved butterflies when I was growing up. Seriously. In high school my bedroom was covered in butterflies. Blankets. Curtains. Wallpaper. Calendar. Pillows. Jewelry. Figurines. I even had butterfly candles. What I did not have, however, was a butterfly tattoo! Why? Because I knew someday I’d get older and my interests would change. Do I still love butterflies? Yes. Do I want my room to look like a shrine to the fluttering little critter? Not so much!! I also have no desire to get old and have my grand kids ask me to stretch out my wrinkled skin so they can see the pretty picture! I’m thinking in its naturally crinkled state, it would look like a moth that some kid stepped on and sufficiently smeared onto the sidewalk. Attractive, no?!

If you feel the need to express yourself artistically, carry around a painting, airbrush your car, dye your hair, wear ridiculously weird clothing, buy a giant pack of metallic gel pens to draw on yourself if you must. And if you cannot draw, have a friend assist you. At least it is not permanent!

** There are a few exceptions to my “tattoos are stupid” rule.

1. If you’ve served in the military, and want to pay tribute to that part of your life, go ahead. You earned it. But if it takes up half your body, you’ve gone way overboard. Let’s not get carried away, shall we?

2. If you want to get your baby’s footprints tattooed on you b/c you love them sooo much, knock yourself out..provided that they are strategically placed. Tastefulness is key.

3. If you’ve lost a parent/grandparent/some-other-significant-influence, and you want to put something on your body to memorialize them, be my guest. Keep it small. Keep it simple. None of those “black and white portraits”. We have photographs for that. Not to mention, it has got to seriously freak out small children.

This woman lost her baby to SIDS. I get it. The stories behind the tats are sweet and sad, but it’s kinda sorta creeping me out.

Do you have a tattoo? Do you regret it? Why/Why not? 

Would you ever get one? of what? 

Stupid Ideas

Tags

, , ,

Have you ever watched the reality show on ABC called Shark Tank, and wished you had come up with some of their ideas, not because you want to be a genius, you just wanna be rich of some whim? Like the 2 ladies who came up with an idea to create slip-covers for pack&play’s… BRILLIANT! Kid’s pee, poop, spit up, and spill on everything! Problem solved! Or the person who came up with a “Netflix” version of playing with toys. How many times do we see kids with toys they played with for 2 days and never touched again. Especially those overpriced learning toys. Fun and educational? Yes. But once the puzzle gets solved, the mystery in the toy is gone. Exchanging them for new stuff without spending a boatload of money? Cool idea. Til you consider previous statement about kids peeing, pooping, ect.

 The show, more often than not, gets weirdos in there who come up with the DUMBEST ideas, and expect billionaires to invest money in them. Well, these people did…just not on Shark Tank…. and somehow seem to be making money with their cooky ideas. This is proof we are a not-so-bright society. Someone buys this crap!

 

Antenna BallsGet a bumper sticker. Get a customized license plate. Get a window decal. Spray-paint your car with smiley faces.  Just don’t buy these. Please.

 

Chia Head –  Chia Pet’s were dumb, but this has taken it to a whole new level of stupid. Where is the rest of this thing? Should we plant it in the ground so it looks like his body is down there somewhere? It’s no wonder kids are dying their hair green these days…

 

 

                         

Dog WigsClothing for your pet is ridiculous. But putting a wig on it makes you a complete moron. Does this animal look thrilled to you? I don’t think so.  

 

 

Box of Laughter A better option would be a book on comedic timing, or a muzzle if his jokes are THAT bad.  

 

 

  

Personal Fireplace – kinda looks cool, right? It’s $95!! save your money…. just buy a candle. Or build a bonfire.

 

 

AND MY FAVORITE!

Pet Rocks –  Don’t most kids ask for puppies? Or kittens? The basis of the idea is an advertising executive was smart enough to know people will buy anything if it has a great marketing campaign. This guy was a genius. He’s also a millionaire for essentially selling gravel from his neighbor’s driveway. (note: he didn’t really steal the rocks. I hope).  It get’s better. He figured out how to market his rock into the current century. They now have a USB pet rock. I’m not kidding. Take a look…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What stupid ideas would you like to market?

Ever been the recipient of one of these crazy gift ideas? ..or heaven forbid, bought one for someone else??

Controversial?? Nahhhhhh….ok maybe….

Tags

, , , , , , ,

Lookout. She’s on her soapbox. Consider yourself warned.

It’s been said no one should discuss politics or religion on a first three dates because they are such controversial topics. Did no one stop to think that if two people have beliefs that govern their lives, those might be things that need discussed?   Otherwise, you may have just wasted a few evenings of your life for nothing. Maybe I have a skewed view of dating, but I’m not about doing it just for fun. Should dating be fun? Of course….but if that’s all I was after, I can have fun with friends. Real lives and real relationships are about more than just having fun. If that’s your thing, more power to ya, but I’ll save you time, and tell you up front, that’s so not my deal. Life is about more than dinner, putt-putt, and movies. Whaaaat??!?! Don’t look at me that way! I’m just sayin’!

(And if you have no basic principles by which you live, you have issues that need discussed elsewhere. If this is you, stop reading now and seek help!)

I’m not sure why we live in a day and age of political correctness. Whatever happened to the freedom of speech? Some people reserve the right to be complete idiots, and I reserve the right to call you an idiot in writing, or to your face, or on CNN if I so choose. Need an example? Westboro Baptist Church. (If you are unfamiliar, these are the wacko’s from the midwest that protest military funerals among other things). Complete. Utter. Lunacy. There is no other way to describe what they do, what they stand for, or how they promote what they believe. But …. We live in a country where free speech is in the constitution. Like it or not, stupid or not, ridiculous or not, they do have the right to express an opinion. Do I wish the church would be struck by lightning? You betcha! Does my stomach turn upside down every time I hear they’ve protested another funeral.. or some other asinine act? Yep! So don’t go telling people “Andi supports those psycho’s!” .. She does not! And if she finds out you misquoted her, she will hunt you down and smack you with a wireless keyboard.

Here’s the thing about this country…If you don’t agree, STAND UP AND SAY SOMETHING. or sit down and write a blog ;).  There is no room for political correctness. There is no room for someone who is not PC to be called “intolerant”. ( wouldn’t that mean “PC” is being intolerant of “non-PC” … oxymoron much??)  I have an opinion. You have an opinion…. or at least I hope you do. Voice it. So we may not agree. Big deal! Show me two people who agree on everything all the time, and I’ll show you a couple of liars.

It takes more than talk. It comes down to action. You can’t whisper in the hallways about missing the “good ole days” and how this country has gone to hell in a handbasket. I’m not disagreeing with your thinking…yet. I’m simply pointing out that way too many good people only run their mouths, and don’t get off their butt and do something about it.

“What am I supposed to do?”   VOTE!!  

What the heck does voting have to do with it?”  If only half the smart  eligible voters show up on election day, it’s no wonder we have such idiots in office. If you don’t vote, you should shut up when it comes to political issues. 

“Didn’t you just say to ‘stand up and say something’ ?” Yep, but if you can’t back it up by taking action, you don’t deserve to have an opinion.  

Don’t want your kids spanked in school? Vote.*

Don’t like legalized abortion? Vote.**

Don’t like Sarah Palin? Vote against her.***

Don’t like Vice President Biden? write a blog about how he reminds you of a creepy old man at the convenience store down the street…and then Vote!****

It’s your way to turn your opinion into something viable rather than let them remain a set of words that are bound to get drowned out the masses of the mainstream.

Bad politicians are sent to Washington by good people who don’t vote.

*I’m all for spanking bratty kids in school… and in Wal-Mart.

**I’m as pro-life as they come.

***I like Caribou Barbie.

****What? He creeps me out.