Technically speaking, this place, The Fifth Percentile, was born close to a decade ago by a woman in her mid 20’s who was searching for her place in the world. The posts were filled with sarcasm and humor in a brand all her own, but the truth is she wasn’t laughing. She was filled with overwhelming dread and a paralyzing fear of the unknown.
Authenticity was lost in favor a much more acceptable version of herself. The sarcasm was a cover, and the humor was forced. Her wit had always been quick, but writing in a public forum required a filter of sorts, at least in her own mind. She appeared confident; arrogant even…It was all documented here, making it seem as though she had the world by the tail.
But the truth…the dark, ugly reality… was missing. She was broken, so she hid. After 100’s of posts filled with lighthearted sarcasm, she stopped. She stood up from the keyboard and walked away because the façade had taken a plunge from exhilaration to exhaustion.
Everyone has a chapter in their book they don’t want read aloud.
She didn’t just have a chapter. She wanted to rewrite most of the book. She wanted to tear out page after page, and toss it into a fire until all the ugliness was reduced to grey ashes, unrecognizable as life. My life.
The blog …this blog…sat untouched for years as I contemplated whether I wanted to write again…whether I wanted to put words to what being real looks like.
Could people handle it?
What if I wrote it all down, and no one read it?
What if I wrote it all down, and everyone read it?!
I am teetering on the edge of mid 30’s now. I still find humor in the most inappropriate of situations, and sarcasm is as natural as breathing. But that is only part of me. My story isn’t pretty, or politically correct, or especially kind. It’s raw and emotional, and parts of it are shocking.
It’s hurt behind the humor.
It’s darkness in between the light.
It’s ugliness beyond the beauty.
But there is purpose here. There is purpose in me…in learning from the past, and in showing the light at the end of the tunnel even on days when I don’t see the brightness at all.
Someone once told me:
95% of the world are idiots, and the other 5% have possibilities!
I used to just relate this to the ever-waning common sense in the world, and the amount of stupidity found in the general population. It’s how the blog became known as The Fifth Percentile.
Today, it’s taken on new meaning. It takes strength and courage in the face of adversity to be transparent…to put it all on the line and write the hidden chapters. That’s the goal.
That is The Fifth Percentile.
(Not to worry, though. There will still be plenty of #tallgirljokes and #didhejustsaythat moments along the way!)