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“It’ll be fun,” they said.

Do you know what it takes to write a book?  …Probably the same list of things I was supposed to utilize when writing all those research papers.  Outlines & thesis statements & some semblance of an organized thought process to the words strewn across the page.

Generally speaking,  there should probably be a goal for the reader to come away with a profound sort of inspiration/realization from having spent their valuable time reading this book.

And let’s not forget the paramount nature of editing & grammatical correctness.

I’m a terrible editor,  & while grammatical errors tend to drive me a tiny bit insane,  I don’t pretend to actually know what I’m doing when placing commas & semicolons.  I just wing it…& I can’t even wing my eyeliner so my abilities here aren’t exactly New York Times Bestseller worthy…

The very idea of inspiring a life realization in another person causes anxiety to kick in on such a high level that I nearly have a stroke.

(Ok,  that might’ve been the slightest bit dramatic).

But it’s a lot! A..Lot…

Of pressure

Of responsibility

Of fear.

And if we’re being honest,  fear is the one thing I’ve always been really good at.

Fear is like my unseen,  unexplained,  conjoined twin. We aren’t just siblings,  Fear and I. We share the same internal organs, the same heartbeat. If Fear dies, I die. We are inseparable because Fear is my lifeline. Where I go,  Fear goes.

People say I’m quiet.  The joke is ‘it’s because you don’t want to know what I’m actually thinking.’  The reality,  though,  is that it’s because Fear is present. Fear never shuts up. Not ever. So I can’t get a word in edgewise.

Putting a muzzle on Fear proves to be difficult considering she likes to invite her best friends Anxiety & Depression over on a frequent basis. At this point,  we’re all very comfortable around one another, although they do prefer the dark. Me? I’m afraid of the dark. How’s that for a life conundrum?!

I said I would post the ugly truth here.

The ugly truth is I know I’m not the only one who feels like she’s constantly clawing her way out of some dark pit in the desert while Anxiety & Depression each grab an ankle and try to pull her back in. And because the nature of Fear is hating the unknown, she prefers to be moving in the opposite direction of the strongest pull.

But we all know down is easier than up.

Then again,  when you’re at the bottom, or when you’re fighting to climb out, the easiest place to focus is up towards the Light.

 

Oh, my soul

You are not alone

There’s a place where fear has to face the God you know

One more day, He will make a way

Let Him show you how, you can lay this down

‘Cause you’re not alone

Here and now

You can be honest
I won’t try to promise that someday it all works out
‘Cause this is the valley

And even now, He is breathing on your dry bones

And there will be dancing
There will be beauty where beauty was ash and stone
This much I know

-Casting Crowns

So write the book….errrrr blog.

Get the job.

Skydive.

Do that thing. The scary one. That Fear says you can’t.

Because if I can, you can.