So if I were a better-looking, older version of myself with an IQ score that rates me as a genius, my name would be Sharideth, and I’d write way better, way funnier posts. But my name is Andi. Sorry. Besides, I’m pretty sure the world would explode if there were two of her.
Lucky for you tho, I follow her blog. And she really is a genius. It’s a fact
in my head. She’s not even paying me to say this. In fact, she doesn’t even know I’ve been reading her blog for..forever..almost. Yes, I sound like a stalker now. Hush. Not the point.
So I am sharing this genius wisdom with you. By the end, you’ll feel smarter. I promise. Maybe.
Oh, and there’s some adult language so .. I’d apologize, but I’m pretty you’ve watched a tv show lately with racier language so I’m sure you will survive…
50 things girls want guys to know…and my response to them (part 1)
first, the original title of this list is “50 Things That Girls Want Us Guys to Know.” us guys? really. the person who wrote this list has a vagina. no question. i’m about 1000% positive she’s not someone you fellas would never want to date. the best things i can say about her is she’s high maintenance and bitchy. since she claims to be speaking for a host of other women, i hope she reads this. i’m leaving out a few because they’re about sexual manipulation and i’m not about that here. and if you’re reading this, girlwhoisnotaguy, you shouldn’t be either.
50 things girsl want guys to know: part 1
1. Dont tell us when you think other girls are hot. – news flash honey, that’s not threatening, that’s biology. you’re not the only attractive woman in existence, so stop making him pretend like you are.
2. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.- hello, Kettle? this is Pot. you’re a terrible person.
3. If you dont act like soap-opera guys, dont expect us to dress like Victoria Secret models. – like soap-opera guys? you’ll dress like a Victoria Secret model if he becomes a cheater/murderer/extortionist who never wears a shirt? awesome.
4. Mark anniversaries on a calendar. – why? you’ll just badger him about it for at least a full calendar month anyway.
5. There is no such thing as too much spooning. – sure there is. especially when the AC is broken.
6. We think about you all the time. – creepy.
7. This is how we see it . . . Don’t call = Don’t Care. – then maybe you need to get your prescription checked.
8. Which also means that if we dont call, take the hint. – guys don’t take hints. say what you mean instead of being a passive aggressive hag.
9. We like you to be a little jealous . . . but overly possessive is not necessary. – jealousy is a sign of insecurity. even a little bit of it. you shouldn’t like that.
10. Being able to make us laugh is so much more important than how much you can bench-press. – that’s true. fair enough.
11. Return favors: we massage, you massage, we shave, you shave, etc… – i’m all for reciprocation. but it doesn’t have to be exactly the same thing. if my husband shaved his beard, i might refuse to shave my legs until he grew it back.
13. We’re allowed to be late . . . you are not. – Double Standard called, it wants you to get hit by a Greyhound.
14. Eye contact is key. – no it isn’t. he’s not your girlfriend. men rarely talk directly at each other. they sit/stand/walk/run side by side and that’s where most of their conversation happens. don’t take lack of eye contact personally. just be glad he’s talking to you at all. and by “you”, i mean “you who wrote this list specifically”.
15. Dont take longer to get ready than we do. – yeah. i can get behind this one.
16. Laugh at our jokes. – what if your jokes are terrible? what if you’re not funny at all? what if you’re humor is as engaging as your list of things you want guys to know?
17. Three words . . . honesty, honesty, honesty. – but don’t tell you that other girls are attractive? all right.
18. Girls can be groupies. Guy groupies are stalkers. – tell that to Lady Gaga fans. and i’ll see your “guy groupies are stalkers” and raise you a “girl groupies are sluts”. i mean, since we’re generalizing and all…
20. Do not start an argument with us – You will not win. – good lord, you’re really an awful person, aren’t you?
21. Would you like it if a guy treated your sister that way? We didnt think so. – like what? your standard for acceptable manly behavior seems to be groveling and fear of you. does anything other than that count as treating you poorly?
22. If you ask nicely, we usually answer the same way. – usually? usually?!? niceness has to be earned from you? pull the stiletto out of your nether regions.
23. We will never have enough clothes or shoes. – that’s fine. just don’t expect him to go into debt to pay for it.
24. We have an excuse to act bitchy at least once a month. – did you write this list during that time? oh and no, you don’t.
25. Open the door for us no matter where we are . . . even at our house and getting into the car. – you’re giving guys instruction on common courtesy? i think i just got my recommended daily dose of irony.
here we go with part 2:
26. We love surprises! – girls like you only like the “right” kind of surprises. as defined by you, of course. God help him if he gets it wrong.
27. We liked to be kissed softly, not with an iron tongue. – okay. sure. but sometimes a little aggression is sexy.
28. Pay attention to the little things we do, because they mean the most. – no they don’t. not always. and especially not to guys. guys tend to notice and react to macro, not micro. it’s not a fault, it just is. you have no right to get upset if he doesn’t notice how nicely you folded his socks. he’s going to be grateful for clean socks.
29. Boxers and maybe boxer briefs sometimes . . . NEVER whitey-tighties! – does he get to dictate your underwear choices, too? no sports bras, push up only! now run!
30. Clean your room before we come over. – or what? you’ll withhold affection and be a passive aggressive bitch? because that’s your MO for whatever displeases you? oh okay.
31. Always brush your teeth before you see us . . . a fresh mouth and white teeth are a necessity. – who are you dating that you have to remind them to do this?
33. Even though you are sometimes insensitive and hurt us, we still love you with everything we are. – translation: every though you are a worthless jerk who can’t help but be an idiot, i will still be condescending and manipulative. love you!
36. Sometimes “NO!” really means “NO!” – oh, for love of….sometimes? really? i just sighed so hard, my lungs exploded.
37. “Wife Beaters” are not an adequate form of fashion. – okay. fine. neither are Uggs. they’re man made cankles.
39. Sensitive guys are great . . . but crying more than we do in a movie just isnt right. – again, who are you dating who does this?
40. Don’t let ex-girlfriends cause drama, relationships are stressful enough. – unless you’re the ex, right? because i’m guessing your drama has no boundaries. also, it is no surprise to anyone your relationships are stressful.
41. It takes a special kind of stupid to forget birthdays. – it takes a special kind of nasty to use the word stupid on someone you’re suppose to love.
42. Guys who are good cuddlers = guys who know how to satisfy a woman. – i think we’ve established your definition of “satisfy”…
43. “Fat Chicks” have feelings too. – i’m sure “fat chicks” feel very validated right now.
44. Silent treatment, shrugs, tears, yelling and nasty looks = YOU DID SOMETHING WRONG! – because God forbid you should actually tell him what upset you, you batshit crazy tramp.
45. The excuse “I can’t dance” is unacceptable . . . we’ll appreciate the simple fact that you’re trying. – then ridicule him for not being any good, i bet. humiliation is so sexy!
46. Just because a girl doesnt pick up on the first ring doesnt mean shes not waiting by the phone. – good grief. stop taking all your dating cues from Gossip Girl.
47. You dont have to spend a lot, if it means a lot. – i’m pretty sure your pants just erupted in flames. you are definitely the girl who will complain if the hand bag isn’t designer.
48. Dont say you love me if you dont mean it. – at this point, i don’t even think your parents could mean it.
49. Dont lie to us . . . we will catch you. – here’s a tip. don’t be such a rotten human being and he won’t have to lie to you.
50. When us girls get together, we talk about everything. My friends know everything about you. – oh thank God. if the rest wasn’t bad enough, admitting this means you’ll never date and wreck anyone of quality ever again. beautiful. i encourage you to lead with this on every first date you have.