Road Rage At Its Best

Did you miss me? Awwwwww, I missed you too! A little…maybe. The absence is due to my enrollment in school. Yay me! Unfortunately, the only things I’ve been writing about recently have involved ‘how psychological evaluations relate to bariatric surgery’ and other similarly uninteresting topics. Today, though, I had a run-in that was just too comical not to document. 

Have you ever had one of those days when you are on the road and EVERYONE is driving 10mph under the speed limit? It’s highly irritating, but rather than tailgate, you resign yourself to the fact that it’s just going to take a slightly longer than planned to reach your destination. There’s really no point in getting pissy so you turn up the radio, and sing along while Grandpa Jones putters along ahead of you in his big, black Cadillac.

Today was one of those days.

So as I sang along with The Band Perry while following a safe 3-car-length distance away from Grandpa through a construction zone, imagine my shock and horror when I looked in my rear view mirror to see a gray Ford Ranger closing in fast…with no sign of slowing down. Oncoming traffic was far too close for him to pass.

*insert selected curse word here*

I glance to the right. Orange and white barrels line the side of the road. He’ll slow down, right??

NOPE!

As he speeds towards my rear bumper, he swerves into the path of oncoming traffic. I’m not certain, but I bet the chick driving the van peed her pants a little. At the last second, he swerves his truck between me and Grandpa Jones narrowly avoiding becoming a hood ornament for a Caravan. However, said maneuver requires me to slam on the brakes and swerve towards the construction barrels to avoid having the front of my car torn off.

Angry? uhm… YES.

Thankfully, due to my mad skill, I didn’t collide with anything on my way from road to dirt. And I owe Grandpa, because had I been going faster, I probably would have lost control and reeked havoc on my car and myself.

As I crested a hill a mile or so later, I happened to see the gray Ranger turn off onto a side road, and pull into a driveway. Jackpot!

He stayed in the truck as I approached the driveway, and as I neared I could hear the music blaring. Guess he’s letting his song finish. Lucky me. At least now I don’t have to go bang on the front door. 

It was pretty obvious when I rolled up beside him, that I’d startled him. As I motioned for him to roll the window down, I got my first glimpse of my newest inductee into Idiot’s R Us. Couldn’t be older than 17, hat sitting half-cocked on his head. Even his appearance was annoying.

Him: ‘sup

Me: are you on fire?

Him: Wha…….

Me: ARE. YOU. ON. FIRE?

Him: nah, man…what are you talkin ab….

Me: If you aren’t on fire, then why the heck did you run me off the road back there?

Him: Wha…..I dunno what you’re….

Me: *motioned back toward the highway* What’s the name of that road??

Him: Look lady…

Me: WHAT’s THE NAME OF THAT ROAD??

Him: Hwy 30

Me: Is your name highway or thirty?

Him: *eyes looking slightly frightened and confused* No??

Me: Then I guess that means you don’t own the road! Do you?!?!

Him: Uhm. No, Ma’am.

Me: I didn’t think so! So stop driving like a freaking idiot unless you want to end up killing someone and spending time in jail with some dude named Cletus who wants to make you his girlfriend!

Him: Yes, Ma’am.

I bet next time he won’t sit in the driveway to finish his favorite song. 

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Do You Put Him In A Box?

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I grew up going to a rather legalistic Christian school. While I am thankful for many of the experiences I had there, and am forever grateful that I never went to public school, some of the thinking I was subjected to was just… well… warped.

I heard this song as I was driving home from work early Sunday morning after a 12 hour shift. It made me think…..

The best of intentions doesn’t mask legalism. I could go on a whole list of tangents right here, but I will not…. today anyway 🙂

Just one thing… I can remember sitting in a chapel service and being told ANY music that did not come from a Baptist Hymnal was of the devil. All of it. I have a feeling this person is in for a rude awakening when he meets Catholics and Methodists and … *gasp* Pentecostals… inside the gate.

I stand firm with this thought:

Church doesn’t always require sitting in a pew; Worship isn’t only found in the pages of a hymnbook. 

 

oh for the love of stealing someone else’s posts…

So if I were a better-looking, older version of myself with an IQ score that rates me as a genius, my name would be Sharideth, and I’d write way better, way funnier posts. But my name is Andi. Sorry. Besides, I’m pretty sure the world would explode if there were two of her. 

Lucky for you tho, I follow her blog. And she really is a genius. It’s a fact in my head. She’s not even paying me to say this. In fact, she doesn’t even know I’ve been reading her blog for..forever..almost. Yes, I sound like a stalker now. Hush. Not the point. 

The point is..she wrote the following, actually in 2 posts..here..and here… but I’m combining into one.. just b/c I can.

So I am sharing this genius wisdom with you. By the end, you’ll feel smarter. I promise. Maybe. 

Oh, and there’s some adult language so .. I’d apologize, but I’m pretty you’ve watched a tv show lately with racier language so I’m sure you will survive… 

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50 things girls want guys to know…and my response to them (part 1)

first, the original title of this list is “50 Things That Girls Want Us Guys to Know.”   us guys?  really.  the person who wrote this list has a vagina.  no question.  i’m about 1000% positive she’s not someone you fellas would never want to date.  the best things i can say about her is she’s high maintenance and bitchy.  since she claims to be speaking for a host of other women, i hope she reads this.  i’m leaving out a few because they’re about sexual manipulation and i’m not about that here.  and if you’re reading this, girlwhoisnotaguy, you shouldn’t be either.

50 things girsl want guys to know: part 1

1. Dont tell us when you think other girls are hot. – news flash honey, that’s not threatening, that’s biology.  you’re not the only attractive woman in existence, so stop making him pretend like you are.

2. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.- hello, Kettle?  this is Pot.  you’re a terrible person.

3. If you dont act like soap-opera guys, dont expect us to dress like Victoria Secret models. – like soap-opera guys?  you’ll dress like a Victoria Secret model if he becomes a cheater/murderer/extortionist who never wears a shirt?  awesome.

4. Mark anniversaries on a calendar. – why?  you’ll just badger him about it for at least a full calendar month anyway.

5. There is no such thing as too much spooning. – sure there is.  especially when the AC is broken.

6. We think about you all the time. – creepy.

7. This is how we see it . . . Don’t call = Don’t Care. – then maybe you need to get your prescription checked. 

8. Which also means that if we dont call, take the hint. – guys don’t take hints.  say what you mean instead of being a passive aggressive hag.

9. We like you to be a little jealous . . . but overly possessive is not necessary. – jealousy is a sign of insecurity.  even a little bit of it.  you shouldn’t like that.

10. Being able to make us laugh is so much more important than how much you can bench-press. – that’s true.  fair enough.

11. Return favors: we massage, you massage, we shave, you shave, etc… – i’m all for reciprocation.  but it doesn’t have to be exactly the same thing.  if my husband shaved his beard, i might refuse to shave my legs until he grew it back.

13. We’re allowed to be late . . . you are not. – Double Standard called, it wants you to get hit by a Greyhound.

14. Eye contact is key. – no it isn’t.  he’s not your girlfriend.  men rarely talk directly at each other.  they sit/stand/walk/run side by side and that’s where most of their conversation happens.  don’t take lack of eye contact personally.  just be glad he’s talking to you at all.  and by “you”, i mean “you who wrote this list specifically”.

15. Dont take longer to get ready than we do. – yeah.  i can get behind this one.

16. Laugh at our jokes. – what if your jokes are terrible?  what if you’re not funny at all?  what if you’re humor is as engaging as your list of things you want guys to know?

17. Three words . . . honesty, honesty, honesty. – but don’t tell you that other girls are attractive?  all right.

18. Girls can be groupies. Guy groupies are stalkers. – tell that to Lady Gaga fans.  and i’ll see your “guy groupies are stalkers” and raise you a “girl groupies are sluts”.  i mean, since we’re generalizing and all…

20. Do not start an argument with us – You will not win. – good lord, you’re really an awful person, aren’t you?

21. Would you like it if a guy treated your sister that way? We didnt think so. – like what?  your standard for acceptable manly behavior seems to be groveling and fear of you.  does anything other than that count as treating you poorly?

22. If you ask nicely, we usually answer the same way. – usually?  usually?!?  niceness has to be earned from you?  pull the stiletto out of your nether regions.

23. We will never have enough clothes or shoes. – that’s fine.  just don’t expect him to go into debt to pay for it.

24. We have an excuse to act bitchy at least once a month. – did you write this list during that time?  oh and no, you don’t.

25. Open the door for us no matter where we are . . . even at our house and getting into the car. – you’re giving guys instruction on common courtesy?  i think i just got my recommended daily dose of irony.

50 things girls want guys to know…and my response to them (part 2)

 


here’s part 1.

here we go with part 2:

26. We love surprises! – girls like you only like the “right” kind of surprises.  as defined by you, of course.  God help him if he gets it wrong.

27. We liked to be kissed softly, not with an iron tongue. – okay.  sure.  but sometimes a little aggression is sexy.

28. Pay attention to the little things we do, because they mean the most. – no they don’t.  not always.  and especially not to guys.  guys tend to notice and react to macro, not micro.  it’s not a fault, it just is.  you have no right to get upset if he doesn’t notice how nicely you folded his socks.  he’s going to be grateful for clean socks.

29. Boxers and maybe boxer briefs sometimes . . . NEVER whitey-tighties! – does he get to dictate your underwear choices, too?  no sports bras, push up only!  now run!

30. Clean your room before we come over. – or what?  you’ll withhold affection and be a passive aggressive bitch?  because that’s your MO for whatever displeases you?  oh okay.

31. Always brush your teeth before you see us . . . a fresh mouth and white teeth are a necessity. – who are you dating that you have to remind them to do this?

33. Even though you are sometimes insensitive and hurt us, we still love you with everything we are. – translation:  every though you are a worthless jerk who can’t help but be an idiot, i will still be condescending and manipulative.  love you!

36. Sometimes “NO!” really means “NO!” – oh, for love of….sometimes?  really?  i just sighed so hard, my lungs exploded.

37. “Wife Beaters” are not an adequate form of fashion. – okay.  fine.  neither are Uggs.  they’re man made cankles.

39. Sensitive guys are great . . . but crying more than we do in a movie just isnt right. – again, who are you dating who does this?  

40. Don’t let ex-girlfriends cause drama, relationships are stressful enough. – unless you’re the ex, right?  because i’m guessing your drama has no boundaries.  also, it is no surprise to anyone your relationships are stressful.

41. It takes a special kind of stupid to forget birthdays. – it takes a special kind of nasty to use the word stupid on someone you’re suppose to love.

42. Guys who are good cuddlers = guys who know how to satisfy a woman. – i think we’ve established your definition of “satisfy”…

43. “Fat Chicks” have feelings too. – i’m sure “fat chicks” feel very validated right now.

44. Silent treatment, shrugs, tears, yelling and nasty looks = YOU DID SOMETHING WRONG! – because God forbid you should actually tell him what upset you, you batshit crazy tramp.  

45. The excuse “I can’t dance” is unacceptable . . . we’ll appreciate the simple fact that you’re trying. – then ridicule him for not being any good, i bet.  humiliation is so sexy!

46. Just because a girl doesnt pick up on the first ring doesnt mean shes not waiting by the phone. – good grief.  stop taking all your dating cues from Gossip Girl.

47. You dont have to spend a lot, if it means a lot. – i’m pretty sure your pants just erupted in flames.  you are definitely the girl who will complain if the hand bag isn’t designer.

48. Dont say you love me if you dont mean it. – at this point, i don’t even think your parents could mean it.

49. Dont lie to us . . . we will catch you. – here’s a tip.  don’t be such a rotten human being and he won’t have to lie to you.

50. When us girls get together, we talk about everything. My friends know everything about you. – oh thank God.  if the rest wasn’t bad enough, admitting this means you’ll never date and wreck anyone of quality ever again.  beautiful.  i encourage you to lead with this on every first date you have.

Sold!!!

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I had a birthday a few days ago, and I dunno about you, but birthday’s are suddenly filled with weird emotions for me. On one hand, I can look at myself 10 years ago and think, “Thank God I’m no longer that stupid!”  But I’m not gonna lie… the closer I get to 30, the more I dread it. Why?! It’s not like I can stop time. Nor is it like 30 is the magic age for life to suddenly end. I was talking to my best friend about it, and we decided it’s strange for us to remember our parents turning 30, and thinking they were old. HA!

I guess on a positive note, I’ll never have kids that remember me at 30. They will just remember me when I really am the literal definition of OLD as opposed to a child’s version! Lol!

My day was rather uneventful, as my lil bro had a baseball game. Mom and I left early for the game, and stopped by the shoe store because I desperately needed something sandal-ish (yes, that is a word. I just made it one!).  to wear as part of a Passion Play costume for church. I HATE shoe shopping. Not because I hate shoes. It’s just a pain to find things that fit right. Since I was running low on cash, I set a $ limit, and told myself I was NOT, under ANY circumstances, going to spend more than that limit. Mom, being the ever-helpful woman that she is, had other plans. Not to make me blow my money, but to bring me every possible pair of shoes in the store in size 10 or 11. Once I told her, “I’m only looking at stuff that will work for the play. I don’t have money for anything else.” She said ok…and continued to bring me shoes… I gave up, and just laughed at her…and tried on shoes. A lot of shoes. Then she did the worst thing possible for my bank account. She went to the sale rack and came back holding a pair of brown boots.

Ok, so I cheated. These aren't the boots, but I'd totally have bought these ones too!

I love boots. Even more than that, I love when footwear makes my foot look smaller than it actually is. These boots…that I love….that I tried on…. (Cuz she brought them to me! I couldn’t just tell her No!!)   that were super comfortable…made my foot look like a size 8. AND they were on sale! Had to get them! Had to! And it’s all her fault! Even after I found the passion play sandals that I was looking for, though, and after I had decided to get the boots (which put me $20 over budget, but who cares cuz they are super cute! ) my crazy mother STILL kept bringing me shoes. Every time I’d start to put my own tennis shoes back on, she’d point out pair after pair “Wait! What about this one? …. What about this one?…. What about this one?….Try this one on!!!” She’s nuts, that one!… I’m tellin’ you!

Anyway…. 

For my birthday, my parents bought me tires. YAY!! .. as you may have noticed, I previously wrote abt resorting to a camel for transportation. It may not have been entirely due to gas prices!

and they also offered me ..whenever I decide to utilize it…a subscription to a couple dating sites. The good ones are blasted expensive! Which could mean my parents are trying to sell me off…..

Speaking of which, tonight, at my little brother’s baseball game, something odd happened. (I say odd, but it’s been happening with increasing frequency here lately). My mother tapped me on the arm right as the game was beginning. “Hey! Who’s that?” She was pointing towards the concession stand where there stood some good-looking, but unsuspecting soul.

“I have no idea mother.”

“He could be your age! I wonder who he is, I’ve never seen him here before!!” 

“Mom, he MIGHT be 24.” 

“Ya think so? I dunno. He could be older than that. You never know… cuz people think you’re 12!” 

…. gee thanks mom….

And unfortunately, shes not lying. I get mistaken for random ages MUCH younger than what I really am more often than I’d care to admit. Apparently, they aren’t noticing the gray in my hair…

As we continued to watch this poor did I mention good-looking?.…man, who had no idea he was being discussed, he made his way to the visitor’s side and sat down next to a woman. I looked at mom, amused…. “Way to go! Safe to assume he’s likely attached.”

“Hey! I’m just trying to help!” 

“Riiiiiiight, like when we go to the shoe store…..Everywhere we go, you are pointing out men….’What about that one? What about that one? What about that one?’ ”  

No kidding…She’s even pointed out castoffs from reality dating shows on TV!

And heaven helps us when she finds a guy, looks at me and says, “Here!!! Try this one on!!!” 

 

 

Trucks, Tires, and TMI

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Yesterday, while trying to help my mom out, I took her car to the shop. It was overdue for an oil change and tire rotation. She had been out of town all week and was crazy busy. Seeing as how she let’s me live with her for free, I figured I would take care of this errand for her. Besides, I needed new tires put on my own car, and decided I could compare prices since my mom doesn’t use the same repair place I do.

Maybe I should reconsider repeating this particular errand. This is what happened:

I pulled into the parking lot in my mom’s truck. Yeah, she drives a truck. She’s cool like that.

There are four men standing outside one of the bay doors who glance in my direction as I pull into a parking space. As soon as I step out of the vehicle, they all turn around and gawk as I walk into the building. No one waved. No one spoke. They just stared. At least they didn’t point and laugh, I suppose. There is a right way and a wrong way to “notice” a woman. Staring is usually a bad idea. I’m just sayin’…

Upon walking in the door, three more men are standing around the counter chatting away. One of them kindly asks if he can help me. I give him the keys to the truck, tell him what I need done, and make my way to the waiting area which is thankfully out of view of any of the previously mentioned stares in my direction.

I was the only customer there, so with any luck, they’d be done quickly so I could get on with my day. No such luck.

I perused magazines, read a few emails from my phone. Waited….. waited….. waited some more….

A guy walked through the room in which I was seated, and appeared to be headed towards another part of the building. On his way through he said “Hey, how are you?”

Not wanting to be rude, I answered, “Fine thanks.”

He kept walking to the other room.

Fifteen seconds later, he was back.

Him: I had to get the oil changed in my truck.

….. Craaaaaap, he wants to talk….and not to be overly judgmental, but he looks like this guy…. minus the bow tie, add tacky t-shirt and rebel flag belt buckle: 

Me: Oh.

Him: What are you here for?

….don’t be rude, don’t be rude, don’t be rude….

Me: Getting the truck serviced.

Him: Which one are you drivin’?

Me: The Ridgeline

Him: Really?!

Me: Yep

……why is it guys who approach me never look like Colby from Survivor / Top Shot….. Sigh….

…back to reality…

Him: Can I ask you a question?

……….NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Me: Yeah…

Him: Why isn’t your husband here getting your vehicle serviced?

… wow… subtle, dude.. real subtle… 

Me: I’m divorced.

Him: Wow! Seriously? But you seem like such a nice person!!

…. if only you knew what I’m thinkin….

Him: So… do you have a boyfriend?

Me: Nope

Him: Really?!?!

(as he starts to inch closer to where I’m sitting)

Me: Don’t want one

…..Geez if I was gonna lie, I shoulda done it sooner! the boyfriend question would have been a great place for a lie to end this conversation!

Him: Now come on, we ain’t all bad!

Me: Yes you are.

Him: *blank stare like he can’t believe I just said that with a straight face* ….. No we ain’t! I’m just a good ole’ country boy! You need to find you one like me.

Me: Right

Him: I’m serious! I’m a local. Hey what are you doing saturday?

Me: Congrats on that. I divorced a local too.

Him: Well here, I’ll prove I’m a good guy!

(the whole time he’s been inching closer to me, and now he’s seriously invading my bubble) 

He proceeds to pull out his cell phone, and mess with it for a few seconds. He turns it around so I can see the screen.

Him: See, this is my girlfriend! I treat her like gold!

Me: Really…. Can I talk to her?

Him:…. Wh…whaaat?!

Me: If you treat her so well, then you wouldn’t mind me getting a little verification that you’re a good guy right?

Him: …Blank stare…. 

It still makes me laugh that he asked what I’m doing saturday and then pulls out his phone to show me a picture of his girlfriend. I’m sure he was just going to invite me to a Bible study…….

At some point during this mess of a conversation, I’d texted a friend and said “CALL ME! NOW!”

The phone rang… Rescued!! Thank goodness!!

 

Randomness

  1. Gas prices are ridiculous. I’m going to buy a camel.
  2. I’m going to train my new camel to defecate outside the gas stations owned by Indians.
  3. That doesn’t make me racist. It makes me sick and tired of rude behavior. Seriously, if you don’t like it here, feel free to take yourself back to the country you came from.
  4. I’ll be sure to distribute my camel manure to rude white people as well, if it makes you feel better. There are plenty of those to choose from.
  5. I may start with men who don’t believe in holding doors open for me. It doesn’t make me entitled. It’s just common courtesy. If someone is behind me, male or female, I’ll hold the door til they get there. It’s not THAT difficult.
  6. No one in a cowboy hat has ever slammed a door in my face. I wonder if there is a connection….
  7. Somehow this post covered cowboys and indians in 6 points.

Like Mother, Like Daughter

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So it’s my mom’s birthday today. My parents routinely joke about how they hope to stay out of my blog. Well, their streak is about to end. The following are just a few of the crazy, random things I’ve learned from my mother in my 28 years-minus-eleven-days of existence.

1. “Life is rough and then you die.”  ….Mom’s favorite quote anytime I complained about doing chores around the house. I probably heard it at least twice a day. And she was totally right.

2. “Everyone is weird but me and thee….and sometimes I think thee is a bit weird too.”  …Technically it’s my grandmother’s quote, but it’s mom’s response when I tell her people are utterly insane.

3.  There is very little more fun than grabbing random things off the rack at the store just to try them on in the dressing room to see how ridiculous you look.  I’m pretty sure she and I have scared quite a few dressing room attendants with our hysterical laughter, and occasional bursts of “I am NOT coming out there in this!!”

4. Life would be more interesting if vehicles were equipped with rocket launchers to remove slow drivers from the road. Seriously, if you see her behind you on the interstate, MOVE OVER!!!

5.  Dumping grape juice over his head is a perfectly acceptable way to end an argument. ….or maybe that’s just the moral I choose to take away from that story…..

So, Mom, thanks for teaching me all the really valuable lessons in life!

Punching Bags & Dating Go Hand in Hand

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Have you ever wanted to reach through a computer or a phone and smack the crap out of someone? 

No? Just me?

Irritating Scenario #1:

…… with a male friend…emphasis on FRIEND. He has a habit of getting really attached, really fast. To anyone female. We had a rather uncomfortable conversation recently where I was forced to get downright rude that this was NOT going to turn into a romantic relationship. NOT HAPPENING. EVER. It wasn’t the first time we’d had that particular conversation, and while I wasn’t mean initially, I thought I was really quite clear about the lack of relationship possibilities with us.  However, as I have previously established, guys are complete morons can be more dense than a Reese Witherspoon in Legally Blonde. They hear what they want to hear, and interpret as necessary. (….women aren’t really off the hook. We totally pull this crap too, but that’s irrelevant off topic). So I got nasty. Forceful. In-your-face-not-nice-Andi. We didn’t speak for a week or so. Then I get a random text..about nothing earth shattering, so I responded. Back and forth for a few mins. No big deal. Then out of the blue….

Him: I miss you

WHAT??? You can miss friends. I get that. But was it a completely inappropriate comment given the previous conversation? YES. And what is the expected response to an “I miss you” text? It’s “I miss you too”. Duh. Only I don’t miss him. And even if I did, I wasn’t about to open up that line of communication given his past behavior. So I said….

Me: Sry

Yeah, I didn’t even spell out “sorry”. I could have said “Ok”, but that didn’t feel right either. What was I supposed to do?! 

Him: Really? I know you better than that.

W.O.W! Clueless much?

Note to all you gentlemen out there. DO NOT EVER ASSUME YOU KNOW WHAT SHE’S THINKING! and if you do, be prepared to be very, very wrong. Furthermore, if you do think you know what she’s thinking, it’s not smart to voice it unless you can literally telepathically hear her thoughts.

Needless to say, we aren’t talking. Again. Which speaks to one of the reasons why I wouldn’t consider dating him in the first place. It’s like dealing with a woman. I’m not a lesbian for a reason! Besides the obvious reasoning, that is way too much estrogen in one relationship! I have no desire to be with a guy who 1, claims to listen, but literally hears nothing, and 2, has more emotional instability than a meth addict on her period!

Irritating Scenario #2

I had emailed back and forth with a guy from one of the dating websites for a few days, but it got to the point that he was offended when I didn’t email him back immediately, and when I didn’t email him first thing in the morning or last thing at night.  Annoying much? and his favorite line during instant message conversations was “What’s on your mind?”

…well Gee, if I answer that question honestly, “I’m watching Survivor, and I’m thinking that these people seriously need to make fire or they are going to die. Speaking of fire, it is freezing in the living room! I hope it’s not cold tomorrow. I hate the cold. You know what else I hate? Boys. Boys who ask stupid questions!”  That is literally how my brain operates if there is nothing specifically “on my mind” at that moment. It’s just a constant, random connection of thoughts which make sense in my mind, but not so much in anyone else’s.

Andi’s tip of the day: Don’t ask a woman “what’s on your mind” unless you are looking right at her (or are on the phone and can hear it in her voice) and can tell something is bothering her.

Otherwise, “What’s on your mind?” is another cop-out conversation starter. It’s nearly as irritating as those stupid Winks and Smiley Face options that dating websites so readily provide. It’s just a glorified version of “what’s up?”. He swore it was just him wanting to listen, to be attentive, to prove he cares about what I’m thinking. Good qualities? Yes. But I shouldn’t have to carry the conversation. I get that I’m a moody and generally irrational woman, but is it so impossible to think I may not have anything to be ticked off about? Or maybe, just maybe, since this is over the internet, and he’s 850 miles away, I don’t want to discuss the difficulties of my current life. Maybe I don’t want to have to come up with the conversation topic EVERY time we speak!

So I told him this wasn’t going to go anywhere. He didn’t understand, but I wasn’t going to try to explain it. Sometimes it’s not worth the trouble.

Am I completely irrational?

Do you want to reach through the computer and smack me now? 

Do you feel bad for the poor soul who dares to actually date me? Yeah… me too. But I’m fun when you don’t make me crazy… No pressure 🙂 

By the way….there are some guys out there who are worth the time and effort, but those aren’t the fun ones to write about.

So I Was Thinking….

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….of random tidbits ….and it hurt my brain a little…

I apologize for the completely weird spacing below. My computer geek brain took the day off and I can’t figure out how to fix the issue. sorry!!

(Incidentally, this is exactly what I look like in the morning before caffeine consumption

Did you know…If you ask a guy what he wants in his future lady, most of the time, one of his top 5 qualities will be “Honesty” ?

Guess what?! He’s lying! Oxymoron, much? Yes, but that doesn’t change that it’s a proven fact my own completely semi-logical opinion. Dating lends itself to lying.
Don’t look at me like that!
Why else would there be complaints of things changing the longer the relationship lasts? I recently read an interesting statement about the evolution of relationships. “People don’t change. They just become more like themselves.” It’s pretty darn true. Everyone wants to make a good first impression, but there is a point when “selling yourself” to the opposite sex just becomes ridiculous.
Maybe it’s because I’ve been burnt in the past.
Maybe it’s my defense mechanism.
Or Maybe it’s me seeing through all the crap…
but I refuse to feign interest in things I don’t care about to impress a guy.  Seriously? Ultimate Fighting? You want me to watch dudes kick the crap out of each other, and pretend to know what that choke hold is called? Uhm. No.
Will I watch it with you? Probably…if you are really nice to me. But I will make fun of those fools the entire time…or read a book. Let’s face it, you are not going to watch The Bachelorette with me because you enjoy it. If you pretend to, I’m going to assume you have a traumatic brain injury from practicing your Ultimate Fighting impressions.
….I refuse to tone down my sarcasm because he doesn’t get it. My particular brand of sarcastic humor isn’t for everyone, but it’s all I’ve got! Blame my parents. Take away that (the humor not my parents), and I’m just some ridiculously tall chick.
The whole point is to find someone whom you don’t feel the need to stab in the middle of the night whom you enjoy spending time with. And yes there are a ton of compatibility factors to consider, but without getting too in-depth, just stop pretending. Make-believe stopped being fun after 2nd grade.
Did you know….Most single men take offense to the statement that “trust should be earned” ? 
We talk about this being a generation of entitlement. It apparently has spread into ALL facets of life. Men seem to want trust doled out to them like women’s emotions function like an unlimited debit card, then get annoyed when she’s completely drained. If you don’t put money in the account, you aren’t gonna get anything back without incurring serious overage charges!
She is allowed to be cautious! There is a huge difference in projecting all her past relationship issues on you, and being smart going into something new. If you are trustworthy, you should have no issue with her caution. Now, if you are worried about something, feel free to get all defensive about how she should trust you because you’ve done nothing wrong. She Just Met You! You’ve not had a chance to screw up yet! It’s easy to claim “Prince Charming status” in the beginning.
Trust doesn’t come without previous action. Stop acting like it does. Decent women will run the other way. And blog about your stupidity.

You Cannot Be Serious……

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I hold my breath when I open emails now. Not all emails, mind you. Just the ones dating/guy related. All I can say is THANK GOD some of you are not as clueless as 99% of the male population. I suppose it’s entirely possible that I’m asking too much…that my expectations are far too high. But seriously….

Is it too much to ask that he have a personality? There have been far too many emails of “HI!” or “Wat’s up”. Incidentally, when did it become popular to substitute  “what” for “wat”. I get that we are in a new generation full of grammatically incorrect short-hand, but some of it is just ridiculous. I don’t mind people who never capitalize. I don’t mind a few misplaced commas. I don’t mind “u” instead of “you”. I do mind “wit” instead of “with”. For heaven’s sake! WIT was it’s own word long before the invention of text messages and smart-phones! Is it just me, or are smart-phones making people stupid? On second thought, that is not the problem. People have always been stupid. Only now we get to witness their stupidity in real time via Facebook and Twitter!

Sorry, I got a little distracted…. personality..that’s what we were discussing. For the love of relationships everywhere, if you can’t carry on a decent conversation, don’t start one!.. at least not with me. I will maybe make a genuine effort to talk to you if you IM me or send an email, but I need something to work with! While I realize some girls (and guys) are capable of talking non-stop without input, I am not one of those people. And if you need someone THAT talkative, you deserve to marry a narcissist. Good luck with that.

“But Andi, I’m not good at communicating through writing!” Then why the crap are you on a dating website where all initial communication is via the written word?! Do you have thoughts in your brain? Can you type? Then you have no excuse. What do you think I’m gonna do? Blog about you? Throw a drink at you as a sign of rejection? It’s the internet! I’m not going to short out my keyboard on account of you.

Is it too much to ask that he READ the profile first? Men are visual. I get that. Really. I do. But given the premise of a dating website, one would think the written profile would be at least somewhat useful in determining whether or not I’m someone you really wanna converse with or not. Three days ago, I got two emails from the same individual. They read as follows :

4:09pm: Wat’s up?

…. it took serious self control to not respond with “obviously not the wattage in that light bulb above your head.”…. 

4:21pm: Ok well I just sent you an email before I read your introduction.No offense         but you seem like a %$#!%.I mean I admire you being real and all but your not hot enough to be talkin like that.Please tell me what makes you so special.

….Why am I special, you say? Since you asked… cuz my momma said so!

  • Because I can use the space bar after the end of a sentence.
  • Because I am capable of reading profiles, and recognizing humor when it is intended.
  • Because when I swear, I don’t use symbols to hide my true intent.
  • Because I don’t feel the need to rate hotness as an excuse to be a jackass.

What do you think? Am I out of line? Expecting too much?